As I walk through a cloud of hairspray and perfume I realise the true meaning of the expression “a fish out of water”. My fins are flapping and my gills desperately gasping in the foreign air.
London fashion week.
All around me are paparazzi pointing their lens at preening fashionistas. It’s sort of like being on safari. I walk past, utterly unnoticed, and slip in to the west wing of Somerset House, where I visit the Japan: International Fashion Showcase 2012 exhibition. Slipping out again, I squeeze past more models and photographers and hastily exit in my frumpy flat shoes. (I couldn’t go anywhere hastily in heels.)
(Image: London Fashion Week)
As I leave, a woman passes me. She is dressed entirely in black, head to toe. Her hair is black, her clothes are black. On her face she is wearing what appears to be a black pvc balaclava. Her legs are clad in a similar shiny plastic material. Her eyes are hidden behind large black sunglasses. She strides on high heels and is painfully thin. I wonder for a moment if it is Lady Gaga.
This is not my world.
Fa-fa-fa-fa fashion? Turn to the left. Turn to the right. Then run away. Fast.